heh, you let me wear your sock

when my pinky toe is nasty with blisters

and into the sand we walk awkward and far apart

you off far ahead, and me lagging far behind

i watch you slow

slowslowslow you always walk so slow

i like the way you move

and the way you move is like Cori, my cat

slow, meandering aimlessly

i have to slow down to watch your trudges in the muddy sand

i slip my arches where i see your arches

one foot bare and cold, one drowning in size 11 sock

you climb a rock and i stay behind

drinking beer and watching you from far below

stretch my neck so i can see you climb into the sky

i pretend i have my camera and frame you with my fingers

you fit so perfectly way up high

i finish my beer and follow you up

now with two flats and one awkward sock

you know that i can't take care of myself

you turn around just to make sure

and i follow your hand up the rock

you stop to pee and i try to sneak a glimpse

but you anticipate and turn away

i walk a little further to pee, myself

but now you have your camera out

i'm afraid you can see me, squatting with my bare ass out

i think you're kidding but i hear the click

i laugh but i'm mostly just embarrassed

we look at the mazes to come and decide to head back

down below we spot a grown man

and watch him run from sand to sea to sand

with bare E V E R Y T H I N G out, for us to see

i laugh but am mostly jealous

i want to be down below, everything out

running aimlessly, almost shamelessly

a yawn and it means time to go home

it is 8 but the sun has not set

i'm hungry but i don't want to leave

and when we head for the car i take off your now gray-ish brown sock

and my toe feels a lot better

you start the engine but i cling to my seat

if we stay a little longer we can watch the world go to sleep

before summer ends

i don't know what to say. it's strange that i have a new normal.

I recently got a message from one of those relatives. Ya know, the kind you haven't seen or heard from since you were 8. They were asking me to join some group on facebook that they made for their restaurant. I opened up one of the photo albums and found pictures of the same white tablecloths, brown leather chairs with those little m&m buttons in them. The same black counter-top, but with minor repairs. The same isolated red paneled door. I remember those days. Back when I could travel across the country and have no idea where I was, or how long it took to get there. I'd close my eyes for two seconds and all of a sudden my sister was waking me up in Canada, or Michigan. And right off the plane we'd head on down to Wing Lauk Restaurant. I'd sit and nibble at all the free chinese food, but save my stomach for what I knew was soon to come. For when all the food was cleaned off those pearly white plates, the old asian woman (who I still don't know the name of) would smile, because this was her favorite part. She took great enjoyment out of summoning us behind the bar, all the way to the kitchen, where a big silver machine was humming from morning til dawn. She handed out smooth white bowls the size of our big round bellies and let us line up one by one. I had never had ice cream in a chinese restaurant before, so this was my first. I can still remember how beautiful it tasted. Soft vanilla and tasty chocolate, swirling all the way from the bowl to my belly.

Our grandpa had a heart attack on that trip, and we had to leave without good-byes or our mothers. But that tasty treat gave me something to smile about all the way home.

ICE CREAM, THE ONLY CURE FOR SADNESS

or craziness.


(something we learn from our fathers)

you could never bore me.

not in the silence or the cold or in sleep.

I hope Im not boring.

i am in love with streets and wet cement and pornographic mugs

but i am drained and lonely in this city that never sleeps

and a population of 8.4 million can't prevent that every once in a while

i am going to go to bed and tomorrow i am going to mingle, and mingle, and mingle...

...and mingle until i die

I can't stop making plans!

Slow down, slow down, I say to myself. You can't control the world, friends like figurines-------------------------------------only those little lists you mumble to yourself

when my soul starts growing

when my soul starts growing

I get so hungry and I wish it never

never would, never would

never would stop growing

when my soul starts growing

i am as i want to be and i know i never

never will, never will

stop caring

By morning you'll be gone.

Adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias.

I like hiding with you

I want to scratch your cheeks.

I leave in 9 days for new york.

This is how I'm feeling ^^^

It's better to think of what I'm going towards rather than what I'll leave behind.

Someday let's be beekeepers together and hope we don't get stung.

Isn't that the best way to live?

GOD IT'S GREAT TO BE ALIVE

TAKES THE SKIN RIGHT OFF MY HIDE

TO THINK I'LL HAVE TO GIVE IT ALL UP SOMEDAY

My face is burning red hot from the sun sun sun. I'm so glad to be back in my bed with shade pouring over me. I laugh when I look in the mirror because I look funnier red than I do pale. But I smile because it feels like somebody painted me this way, and maybe their own bodies a hot pink or a moss green. Sometimes you need little trips like these to remind you that there's still life hiding somewhere in your limbs, under your nose, tangled in your hair!

All I want to do is laugh laugh laugh and think about how good it is to be 19 with blood still burning like the hot sun. Our warm bodies, only pebbles to the cool cool lake.

Always trying to come to terms with the monsters in my head.

I would like to bask in my youth and the sun, to jump and scream and dance, but I'm trapped in my head. My thoughts write novels, but I remain silent to everyone else. I wake up from dreams that I'd prefer to my reality. In the secret compartments of my mind I hide lists and plans and wishes. If only I would find an escape route so that this commotion was reflected in the fresh air of the real world.

But then again, it's just a phase.

It may not even last until tomorrow.

SWIMMIN' IN BLACK AND I DON'T CARE

why do i still feel so young and angsty? i swear my life is not that bad. i just wish someone would slap me, tell me "you're alright alright alright," point to where is home, and make sure i get there in time. okay okay okay, i am okay. listen to black lake before i go to sleep. this is where i am now. i wish i lived in a pod. "traveling womb" they'd call me. tall, proud, home with me wherever i go. this is where i'll be, someday.