Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

i know i have to get up, but it can be so hard

plus sometimes it's just fun to be adolescent
wallow, wallow, wallow
angst, angst, angst
fucked up
miserable
and sort of loving it

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

I'm consumed with hollowed sounds. Ba-dump-dump-dum

You can't keep anybody anybody anybody. I have dreams you are betterbetterbetterbetterbetter. You'll always be the best. But right now I just want you to be better.

My head is stuck in my knees I can't get it back up to the sky. Tell me to jump a little higher cause I won't. Tell me to stretch up high high high cause I won't. I stare blankly at the ground and skip skip skip into night.

Can you roll to the moon?

No, WAIT.

Can you roll to the north of Ireland?

I want to be with the hills. Everyone rolls there. All the time. Every day! We will all be friends. We will be alone. We will not have dreams. We will all live in magic.

I am lost in hollowed sounds.

Why are you on repeat? Get out get out get out. Revisits are for the sick. We're not sick! Go away I am better now. She will be better now. You can be better now.

We are better now!

No we are not. Okay okay okay okay. We are not.

I see the trees grow tall tall tall and I think to myself I'm a stump I'm a stump I'm a stump. Will we always be this strange and this stout?

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and said, "You will never be the same as you are today." But this morning I looked the same! Last year weren't we the same!? There are pinches on my ear that say otherwise and I tell them shut up you haven't changed.

why do what we do what we do what we want to do

How are you? I

am better now

Can't you see!

I have so many things!

Home is far, far from here. Dream I have a thousand eyes.

A ship will come for me I SWEAR

and then nine hundred

and ninety nine more.

For now,

squint towards the horizon

"You can hold onto the clothes, and even the heartbeats of many, many people. But you can't keep anybody." - BOLTANSKI

one time i came in to class last year and my calculus teacher had written this on the chalkboard:

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out "tadpoles! tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing to do.

I feel kind of like this

/kind of like shit.

it shouldn't feel this bad to be around him now

it's been so long.

sometimes i feel so empty i can hear the echo as my heart drops to my feet

i can't keep from wanting

more, more, more

forever and ever more.

I tried and tried and tried and tried

idk

it's like she doesn't need me anymore

why did you leave me all alone, alone, alone

"So I'm not crazy after all! I thought it looked good myself once I cut it all off. Not one guy likes it, though. They all tell me I look like a first grader or a concentration camp survivor. What's this thing that guys have for girls with long hair? Fascists, the whole bunch of them! Why do guys all think girls with long hair are the classiest, the sweetest, the most feminine? I mean, I myself know at least two hundred and fifty unclassy girls with long hair. Really."

It's difficult to tell whether I am awake or asleep or alive or dead these days. I have to press my hand against my cheek to confirm that I am even real. I outline the contour of my features so I know I exist. Are my eyes open? Even my memories have begun to deceive me. There are so many worlds existing without my presence. I feel like the universal bystander. I am in limbo. I am waiting for something, but its been so long I've forgotten what.

You are not asleep!!!

It doesn't matter where we lay. In a meadow, in the sea, in the SKY... We can rewrite our own language of inhabitance. Build a fort, and never sleep there forever. I can kiss you with the wind and the trees. And you can draw stories of magic and old lands (and new lands) in the mud. I am with you, here, and always. Please believe me when I say that you will forever be! Forever! We will live forever!

Change is happening. Up and down left and right, I'm starting to lose my sense of direction. Stumbling in and out of consciousness. I don't know where real life falls. I'm losing control, and everyone around me is out there. Floating. Floating off somewhere far. I can't see them anymore, as the waves break over my tired body. Floating off far. Far. Far. Far. Too far to see. To sea.

I love you I love you I love you I love you