rainy mondays mean staying home from english to drink tea and watch saturday night live under the covers.

we've proven that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but come be cozy with me. i miss snuggling the days away. i bet it's sunny and bright in los angeles though..

..remember that one day when we stayed in our pajamas until 6 in the evening watching bad comedy movies and eating pillsbury biscuits till our kitten bellies weighed us to the couch like gravity?

i walk back and forth four times a day, at the least. i wear my black headphones over my head and over my ears and i walk back and forth and the street and the world is filled with people. i pass them by like flowers or blades of grass along the streets at home and i don't notice them. or, we build an ephemeral relationship of glances and passerby. and i never see them again. each piece on the chess board of my daily routine has a life and a routine of its own, but i don't know it and i don't care. this city is beautiful and i am never by myself, but i am often alone. this city is alienating, but i can't imagine being anywhere else and as I walk back and forth with those headphones over my ears i realize it's okay not to always have company. but sometimes i would like the warmth of real interaction instead of just these mirages i pass everyday.

*    *    *

My bags are packed, boxes filled with dad's old golf sweaters, picture frames with my mother's favorites (I know because she picks all the ones she looks best in.) I'm ready to leave, ready to start school again. It feels like new years eve and I'm making all these promises to myself, but lord knows I can't keep them all. I come out of hiding from my room now, and leave my door wide open, because I know my mother's ocd can hold off for a couple of hours. I still have so many things to do! So many people to see! Only Dani and Moni are here, and my dad, and my mother, and my cats...but I don't want to see them once, I want to see them a thousand times! And then a thousand times more. I miss so many people who are already gone, but I'm going to miss these ones even more. I'm not ready to leave. Isn't it strange how eager I was just a year ago? Something's changed, and I don't completely understand. As I sat and watched Arianna eat kraft mac 'n cheese right out of the pan, I could smell my mother's sadness, dripping with nostalgia. I love you love you love you. I love so many things! It doesn't show the way I'd like it to, but I hope you know I do.

I'm still a teenager,

we all just want somebody to give a fuck.

"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."

don't want to leave my room. it's cold outside and i don't have anywhere to go.

"Fuck concepts. Don't be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen."

yeah