nightswim

Sam,

let me tell you something funny. what's funny is that i just walked the length of my backyard front to back and I looked at the orange glow of the lanterns on my pool in the dark and I am eighteen years old and all I can think about is being sixteen, so devastatingly in love and heartbroken that I'd go out to that pool at night, the summer after sophomore year, and I'd strip down next to nothing while everyone else in the world was sleeping and I'd dive into the water, which was warm compared with the night air, and I'd look up at the stars and almost cry and I remember kissing on my front lawn at midnight and actually a lot of the time I feel like I'm still sixteen years old, I really do. And I almost just want to be so devastatingly something about someone again, even if drives me to nightswim in some desperate attempt to numb my feelings, because I'm not trying to numb them now, I'm just trying to feel anything at all.

love,

Sam