to Sam, love Sam

"You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up to the moment when you find yourself dissolving into foam you can still believe you are doing fine." 

Expectations. Expectations are the pits. Without hope we are miserable creatures, doomed to rot in our self-fulfilling prophecy of unhappiness. But oh, expectations are the worst. How much are we supposed to take in one lifetime? Our existence shouldn't be reduced to an endless cycle of disappointment, but It seems to greet me in a constant stream. Expectations keep hanging around, like some unwelcome visitor. You are not my friend, expectations, you betray me every chance you get. Maybe I am just being selfish. It's hard to never get the things you want. And too often it's true what they say, if something feels too good to be true, then it probably is.

Here is a journal entry I wrote on January 18, 2009 11:05 AM:

I had the strangest dream last night, just really vivid actually. By this point my memory is already fading. I know it involved this strange and exciting and beautiful house far from where I lives, in the countryside perhaps. I was going to a party there. I was so thrilled. I'd drive my dad's white sports car (which does not exist) and be on my way, but I fell asleep and time slipped away from me, far away. It was already 10 and my curfew was 11. There was no way I'd be able to drive all the way there and back in time even if I didn't do so much as step foot in the party. I was going to just go get ice cream instead, but while driving down a candle lit street I ran into a gypsy gathering, completely blocking traffic. I was forced out of the car. The dancing gypsies beckoned me, but I simply went over to the oldest gypsy woman and began to cry. She knew my name and spoke softly of solutions that I do not remember now. I woke up feeling let down with a strange impulse to immaturely fade away into the shadows.