to Sam, love Sam

The sadness makes her fine, makes me happy.

Her old red sweater makes the whole valley ring,

makes my solitude gleam.

Loneliness is a terrible thing. You can’t dispose of it like old milk. It just spoils and spoils and spoils…everything. No one is alone. I say this once every morning and every night before I go to sleep. No one is alone. Yeah, loneliness fucks everyone up. You can kiss a boy and think that little rotting ghost will go away and never come back. But it does. And sometimes it comes in the form of another person. I never knew loneliness could be embodied in another person. And that loneliness could follow me everywhere I go…

Loneliness keeps showing up. He’s down the street, down the hall, down the stairs, on the phone… He’s everywhere. And every time I see him I just get so sad. And I tell him, Loneliness, please go away. I do not have time for you today. Or tomorrow. Please stop distracting me and just let me be. But he persists and persists. I let him lay down for a bit because I feel bad. He is so alone. But doesn’t he know that I’m alone too? And doesn’t he know that I can’t be with someone who is Loneliness. Please, boy, please leave and never come back.

I know you will come back tomorrow and the next day and the next. And I will lie today and tomorrow and all the days after that. I'll say things like, I have work to get done. But I know you can see me and I know that you can see I'm alone too. But stop following me, Loneliness. There can’t be more than one of us, ya know. It doesn’t work that way. Sometimes I think if loneliness had company, it wouldn’t be called loneliness anymore.

I think it would just be called Sadness. And I don’t think Sadness would be any better.