to Sam, love Sam

Dear Sam,

I am turned around and upside down. Inside out and every step seems to be backwards or sideways. Be good they said. Now I am far away and I call my parents every day and I tell everyone I love that I love them every day because when you get this far you start to miss being pestered with the kind of love that used to make you cry a little. You used to think it was hate and you used to find sadness in all of it. But now you know it was just love. All of it was love. I'm a big girl now in college and I'm finding that I lose my train of thought a lot. So many distractions that I forget what exactly I've been searching for. And I'm sorry for not calling like I know I should. I'm sorry for not writing like I know I should. This is all I have to say and I know it's not much but it's all that I am for now.

I sit here in torrential silence
Coffee keeping up my eyelids
Thoughts of you all turn to violence
Trying to find love

And I'm not sure what I set out to find. I don't think I've found it quite yet, but we'll see how everything goes. Because we all know..

everything goes.

Love, Sam